Still catching you up...

23.06.2011

Okay, so looking back on what I have written I thought back to last Friday night. I did my thing with my girls at the Beachcomber and after a failed attempt of getting into Doylo, my girls and I met up with Robert – my now former crush, Mitch – my long ago ex-boyfriend, and Jai – every girl’s public school crush, at Robert’s house to sleep. We were all freezing so the girls and I thought it was wise to claim Robert’s loft. Time went on and it seemed clear that Mitch and I were the loners, and Robert and Jai were flirting with Megan and Sarah. This crushed me. I got my hopes raised by one night almost a year ago where he flirted with me, touched me, spoke to me about what the future had in store for one another. We hadn't talked much after that I suppose looking back on it, he regretted the entire night. And I foolishly though I'd have a chance with him. Silly me. I just wanted a cool, intelligent guy who likes me for who I am, but after that night it became clear that Robert doesn’t check all of these criteria. So I played pretend that I was enjoying myself to let no-one see the hurt and damage. It wasn’t until I was walking home with Sarah that I showed my true colours. I held back tears while I was explaining to her how I felt. To this day she doesn’t know how miserable I felt. I’m much better now, I mean, I don’t feel like crying, but my self-esteem is still at its lowest. I have removed myself from any situation where I would dream up some incredibly unrealistic story about how I would get together with Robert or any man for that matter, because that’s all it is – a story – and living life that way is just as bad as not living at all.