Let's begin.

20.06.2011

Well it's happened. I've reached this point in my life where I just want to do it. And yes by 'it', I mean sex. All my friends and just about everyone I know have had sex, but they all have also had a special someone to share it with. This is my dilemma. I haven't had anything close to a boyfriend in nearly three years and i suppose it wouldn't upset me if I weren't a virgin. It's gotten to that point where I just want to get over the whole 'first time' excitement and just settle for someone who already likes me so that I can get it over with. It's not so much because I want to know what sex is like; it's more because I want to know what I'm like. I've already been told on more than one occasion that I am a bad kisser, so I'm terrified that I won't be able to get married and have children because my physical efforts are deal-breaking. Am I to be sad and alone forever? Part of me says this is just my poor self-esteem talking, but the other part of me says that it’s a fact. I just keep talking in circles because I wanted this whole situation to be answered for four years. Yes, you read right. I felt I was with the love of my life and ready to make the big leap four years ago. I would make scenarios in my head, about where and how ‘it’ might happen. But alas, all of these were next to impossible. Like one scenario, I was about to die in a day and my man wanted to fulfil all of my life experiences before I left this world. Now although I made up these scenarios in my head, I had never actually pictured the graphic side of things. Things would just skip to me caressing a spare pillow as if it were my lover; I’d stare into their imaginary eyes and whisper my side of a conversation as I made up his lines in my head. I must say I think this is where my idea to work in theatre came from, I was quite the little actress and writer. I don’t quite understand why I am having these feelings so strong at this point in my life. It could be because I am the only virgin in my age bracket that I know of. It could be because I’m falling for guys who have no interest in me. It could also be because I’m just lonely and I just want to be wanted by someone, even if it’s not really me they want. I really don’t know, could be none of these reasons, it could be all. Either way I hate these feelings and want them to stop, but the only trouble is I think the only way to do that is to lose my virginity, but I can’t do that until I meet ‘the’ guy which seems impossible! It’s now come to the point where I’ve often contemplated going on a Christian dating website to find someone who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage and get through life that way. I’m in no way trying to make a joke here.