Bipolar Maybe?

4.08.2011

I just don't understand. As unhappy as my evening was last night, I feel incredible! I am smiling constantly, I have an excess amount of energy, a stomach full of butterflies and to top it all off I don't know where it all came from. Ergo I must simply be happy because I am happy. I like it. No reasons. No causes. Just pure happiness.

Family Hatrid.

3.08.2011

Is it possible to have a good day at both university and at home? Because right now it seems impossible! My second week back at university has seen me be ignored by friends, isolated in my classes and the challenges of my courses have added to my severe self esteem issues. And then most days I come home, all is well. I'll cook, clean and do just about anything to help the family out and be involved in their gatherings. It seemed to be working but it was only until I do something wrong like cook the wrong meal or delay putting a dish away. Well fuck you!
Today however university was amazing. I followed the work, I spent a lovely day with friends and left early. Although I had an amazing day, it appears that I can't enjoy a lovely evening with the family as well. I arrived at home to find a sink filled, covered and surrounded by dirty dishes, the lounge room was trashed with pillows and blankets and the dining table covered in bills and various important letters. Really...? I was out working on getting an education all day whilst my brother's court case was ajourned once again; Meaning he was at home, all day, sitting in this filth and didn't bother to clean it. Ladies, let the record show men don't clean because they think of it more suited to women. Yeah, equality has travelled to the workplace, but in the household we're still maids. Neverthe less I tidied the lounge room and made a lunch for myself. I took some time to rest, but apparently there's no time for me to have a rest.

Lows

15.07.2011

Its 5:35pm and Dan just left the house because Dad is angry him. As per the usual evening continues Dad will spend 50% of his time drinking, 45% of his time uttering spiteful remarks under his breath, and 5% of his time will be spent completely focused on the television. In this small 5% of the time frame until Mum is due home, I must cook dinner unnoticed so that I cannot be blamed for increasing his anger levels, wether I have done something wrong or not. If however my efforts of cooking a satisfactory meal unnoticed fail, and Dad wishes to raise his voice at me, I cannot be accountable for what I might say back to him in retaliation.
"Shut the fuck up, you lazy alcoholic!" I'd say, then I'd probably add some unrelated remark to make him weak. "Do you know all Mum was looking forward to today was spending a nice lunch with you before she had to work the night... but all you cared about doing today was getting YOUR car fixed and ordering trophies for children who DON'T belong to you and spending your time at WORK, which shouldn't even be called that because you don't get paid, you voulenteer! Get it right!" Then I would break him down with a judgemental force to try and make him feel ashamed, however hard this deed is, I must try to break the monster. "And when you were complaining this morning about what you were required to do today, Mum just sat there and felt like shit because you didn't mention her once!!" Finally I would finish with a conclusion to defend that which I was criticised for. "So why don't you make YOUR own damn meal because clearly you don't want to be part of this household. What kind of sick human being loves a sport more than his family!"

Something like that maybe...

Highs

15.07.2011

Although my love life is still in shatters, I'm learning to love my body and take care of it aswell. I have cut out most bad foods like my extra 2 pieces of toast in the morning and replaced them with water weight and sometimes fruit. I am exercising for thirty minutes atleast once a day, wether its taking the dog for a walk or doing one of those workout sessions on the television. Needless to say I feel inspired to be beautiful, or rather, just enhance it, because I know that I actually am beautiful. This is not meant in a vain manner, I simply mean that I can see the beauty in me and one day someone else will too. Untill then I can just bring out my beauty aswell as keeping fit. I feel good. Happy.

A lot has happened

3.07.2011

Things are better. I no longer think about Robert, probably because I haven't been to university for six weeks and therefore haven't seen him; I just hope this feeling stays the same. I don't want to like people who don't like me back. Although there has been new development in the boyfriend department (atleast I think so). It's a love triangle really... James, a friend from Newcastle whom I have never seen whilst I'm sober, asked me for my number my first night meeting him after I pecked him once on the lips to somehow "prove I'm a virgin". The details are blurry caused by the copious amounts of alcohol I had consumed. The problem is I have eyes for the guy who invites me to these outings in Newcatle, Ben, a computer nerd who knows how to have fun rather than staying serious about trying to "get in", but however I try to avoid James he keeps pursuing me. So, last night I tried my final attepmt at putting a stop to this but my plan backfired. I pleaded to Ben to ask James to back down because he reminded me of my (fake) horrible ex-botfriend. The plan seemed to work but then Ben preached that James is a good man who really likes me.... Damn. So the triangle works like this: James likes Me, I like Ben, and Ben just wants James to be happy. I hate this feeling...
How do I stop this? Preferably without having to tell the man of my dreams that I want him. Not his repulsive friend. Him alone, with me. Truth be told, I would ravage him if I had the chance. I'm just waiting.

26.06.2011

How am I supposed to find a man to lose my virginity to when none will ever give me the time of day because of the way I look. I loathe these emotions. The lust I feel when I see a man, any man. My lips slightly apart so I can draw a small breath, my legs itch with anticipation of the touch of his hand and the deriving source of my lust warms. I bite my lip to hide the feeling, I'm not sure it works.
Sarah informed me that she was going on a date with this one guy she thinks she has feelings for, Megan is single but pulls all kinds of men, Kayla hides every emotion from everyone and yet she has a boyfriend who adores her and Tiffany just chose a guy she has known for three weeks over her boyfriend. So what’s the one thing they all have in common? They’re all pretty, skinny girls – something I will never be. That is not a low self-esteem comment, it’s a fact. I’m just not built to be skinny. I talk it up but I know I'll never put the work in to lose weight. Fuck.
My weight: 87kg.
Goal weight: 65kg.
Time frame: Who cares, I'm doomed.

Still catching you up...

23.06.2011

Okay, so looking back on what I have written I thought back to last Friday night. I did my thing with my girls at the Beachcomber and after a failed attempt of getting into Doylo, my girls and I met up with Robert – my now former crush, Mitch – my long ago ex-boyfriend, and Jai – every girl’s public school crush, at Robert’s house to sleep. We were all freezing so the girls and I thought it was wise to claim Robert’s loft. Time went on and it seemed clear that Mitch and I were the loners, and Robert and Jai were flirting with Megan and Sarah. This crushed me. I got my hopes raised by one night almost a year ago where he flirted with me, touched me, spoke to me about what the future had in store for one another. We hadn't talked much after that I suppose looking back on it, he regretted the entire night. And I foolishly though I'd have a chance with him. Silly me. I just wanted a cool, intelligent guy who likes me for who I am, but after that night it became clear that Robert doesn’t check all of these criteria. So I played pretend that I was enjoying myself to let no-one see the hurt and damage. It wasn’t until I was walking home with Sarah that I showed my true colours. I held back tears while I was explaining to her how I felt. To this day she doesn’t know how miserable I felt. I’m much better now, I mean, I don’t feel like crying, but my self-esteem is still at its lowest. I have removed myself from any situation where I would dream up some incredibly unrealistic story about how I would get together with Robert or any man for that matter, because that’s all it is – a story – and living life that way is just as bad as not living at all.

Caught up to the unprecedented life of mine.

12.12.2011

Skipping forward

Let's begin.

20.06.2011

Well it's happened. I've reached this point in my life where I just want to do it. And yes by 'it', I mean sex. All my friends and just about everyone I know have had sex, but they all have also had a special someone to share it with. This is my dilemma. I haven't had anything close to a boyfriend in nearly three years and i suppose it wouldn't upset me if I weren't a virgin. It's gotten to that point where I just want to get over the whole 'first time' excitement and just settle for someone who already likes me so that I can get it over with. It's not so much because I want to know what sex is like; it's more because I want to know what I'm like. I've already been told on more than one occasion that I am a bad kisser, so I'm terrified that I won't be able to get married and have children because my physical efforts are deal-breaking. Am I to be sad and alone forever? Part of me says this is just my poor self-esteem talking, but the other part of me says that it’s a fact. I just keep talking in circles because I wanted this whole situation to be answered for four years. Yes, you read right. I felt I was with the love of my life and ready to make the big leap four years ago. I would make scenarios in my head, about where and how ‘it’ might happen. But alas, all of these were next to impossible. Like one scenario, I was about to die in a day and my man wanted to fulfil all of my life experiences before I left this world. Now although I made up these scenarios in my head, I had never actually pictured the graphic side of things. Things would just skip to me caressing a spare pillow as if it were my lover; I’d stare into their imaginary eyes and whisper my side of a conversation as I made up his lines in my head. I must say I think this is where my idea to work in theatre came from, I was quite the little actress and writer. I don’t quite understand why I am having these feelings so strong at this point in my life. It could be because I am the only virgin in my age bracket that I know of. It could be because I’m falling for guys who have no interest in me. It could also be because I’m just lonely and I just want to be wanted by someone, even if it’s not really me they want. I really don’t know, could be none of these reasons, it could be all. Either way I hate these feelings and want them to stop, but the only trouble is I think the only way to do that is to lose my virginity, but I can’t do that until I meet ‘the’ guy which seems impossible! It’s now come to the point where I’ve often contemplated going on a Christian dating website to find someone who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage and get through life that way. I’m in no way trying to make a joke here.

The lust of a cynical twenty-something.

This is me. I am the cynical twenty-something who just wants to live life, share my feelings, and be honest about lust. The French call it désirer de faire l'amour.


These are my stories about the terrifyingly awkward and disastrous mess that is my life. But before you decide 
to follow my blog based on the idea of me posting all of my sexual encounters in written form, let it be known 
that I, (Nameless), am a virgin. I haven't done anything below the waist.


You're probably gawking at your computer screen right now but once you realise that I'm actually nineteen, 
a female and it's not my choice to stay a delicate flower, you might understand.


Girls and boys my age act on one thing only: Their lust.




My lust will be broadcast here, for all to see. In hopes you'll all understand, maybe even care.